Top Ten Things Your Plastic Surgeon Won’t Tell You

1. You’re going to get old anyhow.
Cosmetic plastic surgery does not stop the aging process. Read more.

2. Sure, I’m board certified -- in geriatric medicine.
Many board certifications don’t mean anything for plastic surgery patients. Ask what the surgeon is certified in. More.

3. You need a shrink, not a plastic surgeon.
Some patients are never satisfied and can’t get enough rejuvenation surgery.

4. You can get this procedure for 15 to 30 percent less out of town.
Overhead -- rents, salaries and the cost of operating a business -- are higher in large urban areas. But if you drive out of town you can get the same quality for less.

5. Future effects of surgery? Who Knows?
If you have a breast augmentation, you will have at least one more operation some time in your life to replace the implant. Medical science does not know the future implications of all procedures.

6. Sure, I’ll do your forehead lift. But my specialty is breasts.
Ask your surgeon how many times weekly he or she does the procedure you want. Odds of a good outcome increase if the surgeon performs that operation two to three times a week.

7. It’s the anesthesia you really need to worry about.
If you are put under a general, ask if the anesthesiologist is board certified in anesthesiology. If you will be put to sleep, ask who is going to monitor you. Sometimes, a nurse anesthetist is O.K.

8. My office is not really the best place for surgery.
Some procedures should be done in a certified surgical center or a hospital. Ask if the surgery center is AAAHC or JCAHO certified. Read more.

9. Me? I went to dental school.
Some states allow dentists to perform plastic surgery.

10. You could have four more procedures overseas at
the same price.
Going oversees for plastic surgery can be much, much cheaper but is fraught with risk. Dr. 90210’s Dr. Kotler adds the seven smart questions to ask before having cosmetic surgery overseas.

Plastic Surgery Greeting Cards

Remember our former blog, wherein we talked about the new plastic surgery CosmeTees shirts? Those spiffy, rhinestone-studded Tees announcing your surgical rejuvenation?

Well, supposing your best gal pal undergoes some plastic surgery and starts wearing one of those shirts? You gotta admit she’s crying for attention. So what DO you do?

How about sending her a plastic surgery greeting card?

The cards hit breast augmentation pretty hard, but, hey, why not? So many women are having breast enhancement, it has become the nation’s top surgical rejuvenation.

Anyhow, greeting cards like the ones just below are for your friend’s breast enlargement:





For fat transfer patients:

*I though we could sit around and chew the fat!

For rhinoplasty patients:

*Your Nose Looks Great!

For sclerotherapy patients:

• You’re so Vein!”

For Botox patients:

• A card with a drawing of two women spraying each other with starch

And an all-purpose card for any procedure that has made a real difference, concentrating on the magic words healed patients love to hear from others:


(Greeting cards, courtesy of Lee Sequeira and GoodTobeYou.com)

NEXT TIME: How offshore plastic surgery can make your passport invalid and the Top Five Clubs for Plastic Surgery Patients……who want to take chances.

Study: Men Go for Good Looks in Women

So that’s it! I always wondered why guys spent so much time pacing and fretting over girls and women. Now it’s been studied and classified as a scientific fact. So declares The National Academy of Sciences who sponsored a study of 26 men and 20 women, aged 26 to 40, to find out just what all the fuss has been about.

The conclusion was actually limited to: men like good looks in the woman they choose for a mate. It might even explain why plastic surgery remains so popular. (What did the women like? Another surprise! Guys with lots of money. Sorry guys, cosmetic surgery is no help if you’re broke.)

It’s like organizing 30 professors with 10 centuries of higher education and a combined I.Q. of 96,000 to find out things things like, oh, are the oceans wet, is the sky blue (Los Angeles not included, of course,) do dogs bark or cat meow.

Actually, unusual scientific studies are nothing new. Unless I miss my guess, many university professors don’t have enough papers to grade and dream up these intellectual studies to fill time.

Study: English Layabouts

The Sunday Telegraph in London took a poll of 1,000 men for Opinion Health and found that 41 percent do no regular physical exercise whatever and eat “appallingly.” (READ: exist on potato chips and beer.) When asked what they intend to do to counter the ill effects of two decades of slothful living, 23 percent said they would just have rejuvenation procedures and never mind the cost of plastic surgery.

Unfortunately, it really doesn’t work that way. The chairman of the National (U.K.) Obesity Forum reminded everybody that improving your health is “bloody hard work.”

Remember, plastic surgeons are trained to look for people who want plastic surgery for the wrong reasons. Their guideline is the SIMON Profile (Single, Immature, Male, Obsessive and Narcissistic.) Read more about how some patients are screened out as candidates for surgery.

Top Ten Famous Quotes about Beauty

At the end of the day, plastic and cosmetic surgeries are about beauty. Consequently, a solid 85 percent of patients receiving cosmetic plastic surgery are women.

The remaining 15 percent are guys who don’t care about beauty. Being guys, they are more concerned about the times when beauty was in the eye of the beer holder.

Take a look at what some of our most clever thinkers and writers have envisioned about female beauty. (Verses about so-called “male beauty” are never written because their visions are always too bleary.)

10. “I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”
-Jean Kerr

9. BEAUTY, n. “That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband."
- Ambrose Bierce

8. “Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.”
- Sophia Loren

7. "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty until this night!”
- Romeo when he first sees Juliet

6. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
- Phyllis Diller

5. “If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?"
- Lily Tomlin

4. "Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder."
- Dr. Lawrence J. Peter

3. “Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.”
- Kin Hubbard

2. “Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store."
- Miss Piggy

1.” She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
- Groucho Marx

The Top Five Strangest Spa Treatments

Caviar, Chocolate, Tea and Beer Hops

Beauty treatments seem to use up everything in the above average kitchen, including green and white tea, newspapers (The Aqua Vitae Spa in New York City offers a “Page Six Facial!”) Dead Sea salt, chocolate and beer in addition to “scrubs” using Bikini Sugar, cous-cous, sesame, ginger and sugar maple leaf.

Question: how did everybody get so dirty? And doesn’t scrubbing with soap and hot water work any more?

Anyhow, we’ve surveyed the offerings used in some day spas and medispas and found the following:

5th Strangest Spa Treatment: Beer pedicure

The Exsalonce Spa in Chicago says it will revitalize your tired dogs and even “work wonders” on calluses. Seems like a real strain on a vital and complicated system of supply at time when huge supplies of beer are urgently needed during the very height of football season.



4th Oddest Spa Treatment: Egyptian Mud

The MiSpa in Chicago imports mud from Egypt, presumably from the Nile River, and slathers it all over their clients’ bodies in the name of health. Meanwhile, Egyptians are laughing up their sleeves because the Nile has always been used for a sewer and they were stumped on how to get rid of the polluted mud until somebody offered to buy it.
Meanwhile, in Calistoga, Califonria, Mud Mujita is said to relieve the rigors or jet lag at Spa Solage’s mud bar.



3rd Most Off-The-Wall Spa Treatment: Chocolate Manicure

Offered by the DeFranco Spagnolo Salon in Great Neck, N.Y., the chocolate manicure is for when you are feeling like something sweet but you don’t want it to melt in your hand. Instead, it just melts all over your fingernails.



2nd Most Unusual Spa Treatment: Sweet Cheeks Derriere Facial.

The Detroit-area Euphoria Spa gives your other cheeks -- the ones you sit on -- exfoliation, then applies a masque, waxing and wraps it up with a warm paraffin treatment. Questions: After all that trouble and expense, do you really want to sit on it? And hide it? The YOUnique Medical Spa in Santa Monica, California, refers to this as “Booty Buffing,” which is a required process to -- and I quote -- “get your booty bikini and mini-dress ready.”



And the Number 1 Oddest Spa Treatment: Caviar Pedicure

Spa Newbury in Boston offers this tasty treat. Now, caviar probably will never replace more vital and substantial nutrition schemes like potato chips.

Nonetheless, some people like caviar on a cracker with lemon juice and some champagne. Or, you can do the next most obvious thing and just rub it all over your feet.

The spa’s owner seems to think caviar is somehow related to the skin on your feet and may nourish your tootsies. Or, perhaps there’s a cushioning effect while walking on caviar. It’s never worked for me because the little fish eggs always break, allowing gooey stuff to ooze out and totally mess up my socks.

A Mouse Grows Ears and Noses for Humans

It looks like a creature that got all mixed up going through Jeff Goldblum’s transporters in his version of the 1986 movie, The Fly.

But some of the most far reaching work by plastic surgeon researchers use hairless mice to grow human ears and noses. (NOTE: This is NOT PhotoShop. These are genuine scientific data!)



Scientists are asked to tip-toe around this lab mouse that is extremely sensitive to loud noise, thanks to the size of his extra ear.

Why do this at all? Some children are born without ears. Plus, new artificial noses are used for accident victims and, well, frankly, for people who have unwisely had too much plastic surgery on their snoozes. (Are you paying attention, Jacko?)

The best part is that the host mouse lives on once the new ear is removed from its back and sewn onto a human. The research takes place at the University of Massachusetts. Read more about how scientists grow human ears for donation on mice.

Cosmetic Surgery T-shirts

We noticed the wonderful article about men’s fashions on another hip blog, Beauty Chat.

It just so happened that some recent news about women’s fashions came our way. In particular, cosmetic surgery T-shirts.

You know something has really caught the fancy of the public when a street or a sandwich is named after it.

But that same item is as firmly established in the American culture as the 4th of July, Billy the Kid or the Liberty Bell when its name appears on a T-shirt.

Cosmetic surgery T-shirts were created by CosmeTees, a firm where designer and owner Lee Dequeira of Philadelphia observed something noteworthy about people who have plastic surgery.

They blab about it. While we ordinary mortals blithely stroll the malls with, say, plaster casts on our newly straightened noses, or huge bandages swathed around our heads due to freshly pinned back ears, celebrities do everything possible to hide their surgical rejuvenation.



(I Love My New Boobs, a toned down Tee for the less ostentatious.)

You’ve seen it all before where the celeb watchword is deny, deny, deny. Nobody uncovers this trend better than the blog awful plastic surgery.

(Here’s an example of the expressions on the Tee)



So Lee got to thinking. Why not just go with the Everyman flow and, since you’re telling anybody who will listen about your recent nip ‘n’ tuck, just boldly announce your enhancement on a special Tee? Like another one, just below:



Once you see the all-black Tees with the words spelled out in glittering rhinestones, you might get the shirts are intended to be brash. So the Tees don’t so much announce your rejuvenation surgery as shout it. The fashionable shirts go for $39.95 a pop.



So-o-o-o-o, depending on your particular surgical rejuvenation, you can wear a Tee that offers additional bold and brash statements, including:

• “Nipped/Tucked in the USA”

• “My PS is Better than Your PS (Plastic Surgeon)”

• ”I’m Under Construction”

• “It’s All About Me”

• ”Work in Progress”